OMG

It's hard to fathom HOW one can fuck up such a seeming lay down misere as Hitman. All you need is a tall, thickset bald dude with a gravely voice running around for 90 minutes, acting like a complete arsehole, killing everyone. So basically Payback with a bald dude.

Well they fucked up on all counts in the casting of 47, using a skinny weaner with an even weanier voice. Honestly we all thought the cockhead playing Anakin in Ep 2,3 was bad casting (which it was). However you cannot seriously fuck up your casting of a lead (or anyone) more then the casting of 47 was fucked up. Think Chernobyl-size fuck up, multiply by infinity, extend into eternity and you still have no idea what I'm talking about.

Worse still, after five minutes all this cockhead had done was weenie his way over two confused, poorly scripted, poorly acted, poorly directed, just overall piss poor scenes WITHOUT KILLING ANYONE! Anyone is a loooooooooong way removed from EVERYONE! Oh and there was also some Scottish git doing his best to be the worst actor in the film, though considering EVERY actor was vying for that dubious distinction it would be a close call. That is if anyone was still watching this film after the first 5 minutes. I certainly fucking wasn't.

I'm not one usually for reviews or partioning scores when it comes to flicks, such things being completely subjective and all, but Hitman scores a solid ten turds out of ten. THAT is a completely objective, intrinsic property of this film.

THE worst movie I have ever laid my eyes on ever. Worse even then Series 7:The Contenders. Oooooo sooo, sooo, sooo much worse. I cannot think how a film could be any worse. Even one of those 60's flicks designed for brainwashing COMPLETE with the drugs and music is outstripped leagues and leagues by this piece of shit. Fuck at least one of those comes with free drugs. Honestly it is just beyond my imagination to come up with a film that could be any more terrible then Hitman, just as it was beyond the fertile imagination of Patrick O'Brian to ever come up with a scene more dramatic then the one-armed Nelson swinging from the quarter-gallery windows of the Captain to board the San Nicolas, and then using her to board the San Josef! Thus truth in many ways will e'er outstrip fiction. And the truth is all involved with the movie Hitman should be 47'ed.
PG Out.